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Saturday, June 29, 2019

Candidate Bumper Stickers

Fudd / Duck
(It's Wabbit Season!)

Honeydew / Beaker

New Words

New words by changing one letter (my best)

Payrents - parents who continue to financially support their children after college

Hempty - Running out of weed

Concurt - To agree quickly when not wanting to fully discuss the matter

Tantoo - Having marking on you because of something lying atop you while tanning

Pandamic - A disease which makes everyone look like Panda bears

Justish - Close enough to a just outcome

Vandamic - A disease which turns everyone into a kickboxer

Traint - the area between two cars on a passenger train.

Sockrifice - to throw out a fine sock when its matching sock is damaged.

Wintercourse - having sex underneath the blankets because it’s cold

Mailstrom - The tidal wave of problems resulting from having your mail stolen; go paperless

Joustice - Getting what you deserve, if you deserve a lance to the chest

Bonuts - spending one’s bonus in a frivolous way

Caveat Hemptor - buyer of weed beware

Submit at:

Plaxicate (verb) - to ruin one's life through a serious of totally avoidable mistakes (a la Plaxico Burress)

Poopy-trap (noun) - (1) a foul smelling area which one will unknowingly pass through; (2) a foul smelling area between others and the exit to the room; origin: Becky

Good Names for Music Groups


  • Blingo Starr
  • Static Bling
  • America's Most Blunted
        Author's Note:

        1. Snoop Doog
        2. Chong
        3. Woody Harrelson
        4. Ricky Williams
        5. Cheech

Indie Rock

  • Right on Water
  • The Knutsens
  • Consumer Confidence
  • My Sister in Des Moines
  • Bleeding Indicators
  • Signal Malfunction

Hiatt's Band

  • They Might Be Jimmy
  • Summary Judgment


Dadlympics Events
Straw in Juice Box Race
Carry and Transfer to Crib
Synchronized Swinging
Sleeping Toddler In Stroller 1600M
Surviving off nothing but family scraps

Friday, June 28, 2019

Buying a House in One Page

Buying a House in one page (for entertainment only)
Finding a house:
  • Location, location, location.   Houses can often be changed, but location, school district, yard can’t be changed.  Buy for location
  • Find houses on or
  • Don’t use a buyer’s agent.  If you know what you’re doing, work directly with the seller’s agent - this way, they get more commission (and will work to make the deal happen)
Making offers:
  • Educate yourself about how much a house is worth; use sales within the last 6 months of comparable houses (“comps”).
  • Lowball is 20% below a comp (based on sales)
  • Remember, an offer isn’t binding until a contract is signed; that cuts both ways
  • Try to check your emotions at the door; it took us > 10 offers to get a house; don’t be stupid w/ a high offer price
Home Inspection
  • Get a good inspector; inspection takes 4 hours, costs around $750
  • What to watch out for differs by region, but some biggies are:
  • Mold: Check for good, working gutters; check for lack of moisture in attic and basement, check for good bathroom venting
  • Termites: Check for chewed up wood outside the house
  • Oil tank: Ensure it’s not in-ground
  • Radon: mainly Jersey
  • Get a good lawyer.  The terms matter, a lot.  Should be around ~$1500
  • You need a downpayment, so start saving.  These days, it’s 20%.
  • ARMs are scary - know what you’re doing for those.  Otherwise, 15yr or 30yr fixed are your best bet
  • Closing costs are expensive and can run > $10k
After all this, pop a bottle and enjoy the closing!
Further reading: Home Buying for Dummies

© 2013 Todd M

Newborns in One Page

Newborns in One Page (not medical advice for entertainment only - see a doctor)
  • Always, always support their heads - they don’t have neck control until 3-4 months!!!
Tricks to get your newborn to sleep
  • Bounce on a yoga ball (while holding them) to get them to sleep
  • White noise helps - try a vacuum cleaner (or the recording of one or pink noise)
  • Sometimes they don’t sleep because of gas, in which case:
  • (if nursing) go Gluten-free, dairy-free, egg free (Wild by Nature has food)
  • Have them sleep slightly elevated (like in this or this)
Conditions and Treatment:
Stuff to buy:
Child proof and big kid stuff (around month 5-6):
Food (baby-led weaning - also round Month 6)
Additional Reading, if 1 page isn’t enough: Mayo Clinic Book

© 2013 Todd M

Pregnancy for Men in One Page or so (please consult a doctor; for entertainment only)

  • 10 days after start of period, she’s most fertile; “White” stuff might come out
  • She should not eat fish with mercury (it’s real bad!)
  • Keep trying (even with a headache); ~10th day (after period starts) is your best bet
  • Pregnancy tests aren’t perfect; if positive, or if negative w/ no period see a doctor
Stuff you need once you she's pregnant
  • Percusis (whooping cough) and Tetanis vaccine
  • Blood type and rh factor test (to tell her doctor)
  • Life Insurance (grow up, man, it’s time)
Pregnancy - 1st Trimester:
  • Get a good ob/gyn who is affiliated with a good hospital; google both
  • It’s tough for her: nausea & fatigue; be supportive (carry puke bags; make few plans)
  • When she’s feeling good, go for it (sex, gym, dinner, etc)
  • Many small meals help prevent morning sickness (and really it’s all-day sickness); keep graham crackers by the bed for her to eat throughout the night
  • Foods for her to not mess around with (bad things could happen to fetus): Sushi, deli meat, anything uncooked or unpasteurized, foie gras, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, fish with mercury (swordfish, shark, there’s a ton look it up)
  • Awesome foods (have a variety around, pick up lots, you’ll never know what she’s in the mood for): fruit, mangos, crackers (graham and saltine - keep by bed), frozen juice pops (buy the thing to turn OJ into ice pops in your freezer), rice
  • Important Events:
  • 8 weeks; first sonogram; it’s awesome, go with her
  • 10-12 weeks; nuchal test (<3 MM is good); looking for genetic problems
  • 13 weeks; second trimester starts; should be feeling better
  • Avoid “breaking” the amniotic sack for testing unless the doctor thinks it’s really important and you have other risk factors
Pregnancy - 2nd Trimester:
  • Life starts to go back to normal (or better than normal)
  • If feelin’ ok, she should hit the gym (lightly) now that she’s feeling better.  C-sections suck; and natural birth is a ½ marathon in difficulty; she’s gotta start to get ready
  • Despite feelin’ good again, make sure to watch foods carefully; there are still danger foods, and with her appetite back, you gotta be vigilant.
  • Buy the following to help w/ pregnancy: a full body pillow, the book “A Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy”, yogaball, this cup (keeping fluid up is important!)
Pregnancy - 3rd Trimester:
  • Almost there; she’s gonna get increasingly uncomfortable; tums is great for heartburn; and cut down on the tomato sauce, bob.
  • Buy her a new dress or two.  Go for a pre-natal massage (Edamame).  She’s doing a LOT of work
  • Elevate her feet, give her foot rubs; encourage her to take it easy
  • Take classes: Infant Care, Lamaze, Baby CPR (Bradley Breathing is great!)
  • Get pediatrician, night nurse and lactation consultant lined up now
  • Buy stuff to get ready for baby (some good stuff is here)
  • To install the car seat
  • You’re her coach, best friend, and advocate.  Do all with a passion.  Every other advocate is going to be advocating the hardest they have in their life.
  • Pitocin speeds up labor, epidural stops pain but slows it down.
  • Bradley breathing helped us
  • Cut the cord - it’s awesome
Additional Reading, if 1 page isn’t enough:

© 2013 Todd M

Planning a Wedding (for Men) in One Page

Congratulations!  Since you’re marrying her, you love her.  If you love her, you want this day she’s dreamed about all her life to be magical.
Things to make sure to get in order:
  • Where you are getting married (this is fun - try the food)
  • Your ceremony & vows
  • Officiant
  • Photographer and Videographer (get a good one)
  • Cake (these aren’t normally tasty - save a piece for a year)
Stuff you should do:
  • Handle your side of the guest list
  • See a couple venues and try a couple cakes
  • Make sure your groomsmen are timely and presentable (wife picks attire, within reasonable budgets)
  • Help out w/ party favors, or something fun
  • Spring for an Open Bar (this could also just be unlimited beer & wine)
  • Spend on at least one “fun thing” that you both want
Cool ideas if low on cash:
  • Venue: Park, Restaurant, or City Hall
  • Cake: Bake it
  • Photographer: Get friends to take pictures and video (make sure to record it)
  • Food & Drink: Have people bake pasta / ziti and bring champagne / wine / booze
  • Men’s Attire: White shirt and khaki or jeans; just all match
  • Dress: Sample sales, etc.  < $100 is possible; get something white though
Day of Wedding:
  • Make sure to plan to not be hungover and get 5-6+ hours of sleep
  • That morning, make sure to eat & drink water
  • Don’t be drunk (until after ceremony, then it’s ok)
  • Relax.  Everyone who is there loves you or they wouldn’t show.  Enjoy it and soak it in.
Hurricane Irene hit our wedding and it was the best day of my life.  So above all else, don’t sweat the small stuff!  No one cares if the cake is stale or people walk out in the wrong order.  
That said, don’t puke at your own wedding while the music is still playing.